More Jokes - Just for Canadians
Well the driver finally agrees to let the Pope take the wheel for a short bit and the two of them exchange places in the car. Well no sooner does the Pope get behind the wheel than he puts the pedal to the metal and takes off like a bat out of Hell. Of course this driving attracts the attention of the local highway patrol and an officer quickly pulls the limo over.
Well needless to say the cop is very surprised at who he sees behind the wheel of the car and quickly radios into headquarters, "HQ, this is Baker-5-niner, we've got ourselves a BIG one here."
"How big?" comes the reply.
"VERY BIG."
HQ asks, "What'd ya do? Pull over the Mayor?"
"Much, much bigger than any mayor."
"You pulled over the Governor?"
"Even bigger."
"You pulled over the President of the United States!!??"
"BIGGER!"
"Well, who the hell is bigger than the President of the United States?"
"Well," says the cop, "I'm not sure, but he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 219."
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard cord pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their cusotmer's money in the form of a cheque. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks.
The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company".
The salesman agreed thinking, "How hard could it be? It's only one night, right?"
That night at dinner he met the granddaughter. She was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. Throughout dinner he couldn't help but stare at her.....He had, afterall, been travelling for six months. Later that night he snuck into her room and had wild, passionate sex with the granddaughter and then went back to his room and went to sleep.
The next morning he awoke with large boulder on his chest. There was a note on it that said, "First Ancient Torture Test: 100 Pound Boulder on Chest." Well the salesman was quite strong and he managed to heave the boulder out a third-story window next to his bed. At this point he noticed a rope, and another note, this one attached to his chest, that said, "Second Torture Test: Boulder Tied to Right Testicle." Without thnking he leaped out of the window after the boulder. Just outside the window was a third note, "Final Torture Test: Left Testicle Tied to Bed Post."
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
The telephone rings, and because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. she is speaking in a really cheeriy voice, "Hello ... Oh, hi ... so glad you called... Really?... That's wonderful.... I'm so happy for you... Sounds terrific... Great... Thanks.... Okay.... Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover askes, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seeminly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In despiration they called on the retired engineer who had solved many of their probles in the past. The engineer reluctantly took on the problem. He spent a day studying the huge machine, looking at blueprints and wiring diagrams to see if he could pin down the problem. At the end of the day he marked a small "X" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!"
The part was replaced and the machine worked wonderfully once again.
The company later received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. The company was outraged and demanded an itemized accounting for his charges.
The engineer responded breifly
One chalk mark.......................$1
Knowing where to put it....$49,999
The retiree received a cheaque in the mail two days later.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgury was completed everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, " think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss your cheek.
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm a here tellin' ya Brenda. There was a terrible accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me......"
"I must, Brenda. Your dear husband, Seamus, is dead gone. I'm so sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side and found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her side and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up to Tim. "How did it happen Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda.....no."
"No?"
"Well...fact is, he got out three times to pee."
The lawyer persists and explains the game is really quite easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and visa-versa." Again, the redhead politely declines to play.
The lawyer, now somewhat aggitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50.00", figuring that since she is a redhead he will easily win the match. This catches the redheads' attention and, figuring that there will be no peace until she plays, she agrees to the match.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the Earth top the Moon?" The redhead doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the redheads' turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?". The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all hs references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his lawyer friends and coworkers -- but to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes up the redhead and hands her $50.00. The redhead politely takes the $50.00 and turns away to go back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes up the redhead and asks "Well, so what is the answer?" Without saying a word, the redhead reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
The old man in the back of the boat yells to his fishing buddy. "Lemme handle this -- I know just what to wish for!"
He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!"
The genie nods and his head saying "as is your wish" and instantly the whole lake is beer.
Well the old guy in the front of the boat, the one who originally pulled the bottle out of the water, throws a life preserver, smacks the other guy upside the head, and yells out, "You dumb dipshit! Why in the hell did you go and make a wish like that?"
"Whadaya talking about?" the guy who made the wish answered, "I thought you'ld like a lake chock-full of beer. What's the problem?"
"The problem is......now we gotta pee in the boat!!!"
A man was driving home late one night going at a speed much above the posted speed limit. He notices a police crusier with its lights flashing in his rearview mirror. He thinks to himself that he can out-run the cop no problem. The two vehicles start racing down the highway -- the man with the cop in hot pursuit -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles per hour. Finally as his speedometer reaches 100 mph, the guy figures he may as well give up and pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his crusier and approaches the car. He leans down and says to the driver, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "About three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give my wife back to me!"
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up.
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
"Well, what's wrong with that?" asks the younger man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex -- the best an old man could want. And then at dinnertime, and all night long we make love." He breaks down no longer able to speak.
The young man puts an arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."