Scotter's Jokes for Canadians

JUST FOR CANADIANS

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Signs you may be a Canadian

You stand in "line-ups" at the movies, not "lines".
You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk"
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars
You drink pop rather than soda
You know what it means to be on pogey
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the cottage, eh!!"
You don't hold your hand to your breast when you sing the national anthem
You can leagally drink as a teen
You know that anglophones, francophones and allophones are not electronic devices
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba. You just know it's a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it
You're not sure the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't really want to know if he has
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs
Pike is a type of fish, not a freeway
You sit on a couch, not a chesterfield - that's some small town in Quebec
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers or car's glove compartment
You know that Thrills are something to chew on and "taste like soap."
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you could really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel 'nightie' with only 8 buttons.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one metre above the ground.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
You find -40°C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You read rather than scanned this list
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

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Cold Is Relative

The Temperature Conversion Guide:

Temp		Reaction
15°C 10°C 5°C 0°C -5°C -10°C -15°C -20°C -30°C -50°C -60°C -80°C -100°C -150°C -200°C -273°C -500°C		New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe. Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down. Distilled water freezes. Canadians wear shorts. Floridians wear coats, gloves & toques. Canadians throw on a t-shirt. Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming. New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold. People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles. Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket. Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos. Mt. St. Helens freezes. Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door. Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs. Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands. ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold'nuff for ya?" Hell freezes over. Flames win the Stanley Cup.

You might be a Calgarian if ...

... You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.
... You think that formal wear is ironed denim.
... You have a business degree and are frying burgers at McDonald's or running a ski lift in the winter.
... You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Shane or Cheyenne that wears a bandanna.
... You cast out your fishing line while white-water rafting.
... You've never seen the tourist attractions in your own city.
... A pass does not involve a football, a hockey puck or a woman.
... You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.
... Your SUV tire size exceeds your IQ.
... Your real Y2K fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.
... The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
... You get depressed after one day of foggy weather.
... You wear the latest fashions a year after they went out of style.
... North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the right;"
... You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky."
... You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.
... You see your East Coast relatives now more than when you lived there.
... You think gun control is not dropping it.
... Your bridal registry is at MEC.

Canadian Provinces: A Cultural Study

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people -- two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer him some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10.Cannibis

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big Rock beer
2. Ralph Klein, Preston Manning, Stockwell Day, and now Steven Harper (Hey, these jokes write themselves)
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLTs
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10.You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you drive a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10.Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up in the morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnepeg"
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take a canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner -- depending on your mood
9. Because of your licence plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off
10.Pass time watching trucks and barns float by

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 home is actually a dump
3. You - and you alone - decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistaikingly believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner: rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10.Mike Harris: Basically a sober Ralph Klein

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to kidnap federal polititions
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10.You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken Celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the ten provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10.You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you're allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil: the world's largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have a Scotish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10.Even though is smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered to be Canada's most beautiful city

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, and then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans -- or with any one else for that matter
10.You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. The poorest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. Screech
3. In the very rare case when someone moves TO the rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. Your workday is about two hours long
8. Screech
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you're allowed to kick their ass
10.It is socially acceptable to wear hip waders on your wedding day

Recycling
A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man,chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread?"
Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listens in silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
Canadian: "Of Course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."
The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

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Condoms
One day President Bill Clinton call Prime Minister Chretien with an emergency, "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My peoples favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Chretien replies, "Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you."
"I need your help,: said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms asap to tie us over?"
"Certainment" I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" asked Clinton.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white, and blue in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor, you gots to make 1,000,000 million condom right away and sen' dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the president of Trojan.
"Great! Now lis'en, dey hab to be blue, blanc, et rouge in colour; at leas' ten hinches long and four hinches in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yah," said Chretien, "an' print "MADE IN CANADA, SIZE SMALL" on each one"

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Driver kills a pig
One day Stockwell Day was out on a tour trying to drum up support for C.R.A.P. being driven around by his own personal driver. All of a sudden the driver has to swerve to miss a large pothole in road and as a result accidently hits and kills a pig that happens to be on the side of the road.
Day is in a real hurry to get to a C.R.A.P rally and tells the driver to come back later in the day to make amends for the loss of the pig.
Later that day, after visiting the former owner of the pig, the driver reappears at the C.R.A.P. rally with his clothes all rumpled and messed up holding a bottle of champaigne in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other.
Day questions the driver who replied that the pig belonged to a farm couple. When he broke the news to them, the couple's gorgeous 19-year-old daughter made mad, passionate love to him, the farmer's wife gave him the bottle of champaigne, and the farmer gave him the Cuban cigar.
"Well what was it you told them?" asked Stockwell.
"All I said was," the driver replied, "I'm Stockwell Day's driver and I killed the pig."

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Quasimodo
Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were sitting around talking, as they normally do.
Cinderella said, "I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and that makes me feel great."
Tom Thumb said, "I'm the smallest person in the world, and that makes me feel good."
Quasimodo says, "I'm the most miserable, tight-fisted, ugly fucker in the world, and I'm damned proud of it! But a thought has occured to me. How do we know for sure that these things are true?"
"I know," said Tom Thumb, "Let's go see Merlin the Magician. He has a crystal ball and will be able to see if what we say is true." So the three of them trot off down the road.
Cinders goes first. After a while she comes out, puts her arms in the air and sighs, "It's true, I am the most beautiful."
Tom is next, goes in, and soon comes out punching his fist in the air, "Aw'right! I am the smallest!"
Quasimodo goes in. Suddenly there is a loud scream. He comes out looking very pissed off and says, "Who the fuck is Ralph Klein?"

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Spar Strangled Banner
The following was taken from the Aug 20, 1998 Ann Landers Column.
Dear Ann Landers,
In one of your recent columns, a reader complained about the lack of respect for the [american] national anthem. He said some singers put their own interpretation to the song and many people don't even know the words. It reminded me of how we Canadian boys use to sing our varition years ago, making fun of the Yanks. It went like this:

Oh, say, can they sing
From the start to the end
What so proudly they stand for
When the orchestra plays it.
How the whole congregation
In voices that blend
Strike up a grand tune
And then torture and slay it.
Hark, how they shout
When they're first starting out
But the rocket's red glare
Leaves them floundering 'bout.
'Tis the Star-Spangled Banner
They're trying to sing
But they don't know the words
Of the silly damned thing!

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Dumbest things asked by tourists in Banff National. Park
Here are some of the "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists" Yes, they're ALL TRUE, as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!

On nature...
* Is that food coloring in the lakes?
* When did you build the glaciers?
* How much for a moose?
* Where are the igloos?
* How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
* At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
* Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk' ?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh"
* Are the bears with collars tame?
* Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
* Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
* Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
* I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
* Are there birds in Canada?

On geography...
* Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)
* Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
* Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
* Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
* If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
* Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
* How far is Banff from Canada?
* What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

On tourist facilities...

* Do they search you at the B.C. border?
* When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
* Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one don't they?
* Are there phones in Banff?
* So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system you know.
* Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
* Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?
* Don't you Canadians know anything?

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Cultural Study: Canada and the rest of the World

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH

When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
If there's a war, you can surrender really early
You don't have to read those sub-titles on those late night TV films
You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
Finally experienced the thrill of winning a world cup - after drugging the opposition

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah! doo-dah!
Warm beer
You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
Union Jack underwear
Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
You can live in the past and imagine that you're still a world power
Beats being Welsh
....or Scotish

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH AFRICAN:

Being able to win the world cup rugby the first time you enter the competition.
Get to eat raw dried meat and call it a treat.
Stable and politically safe economy.
Thinking that Gays only live outside the country.
Having a flag which looks more like Joseph's Technicolor dream coat
Having 11 official languages and only being able to speak one
Having an ex convict as your former president.
Having one of the most honest postal services in the world.
Being able to charge tourists to visit areas of unrest
You can drive drunk

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN

In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
Unembarrassed to wear fur
No need to worry about tax returns
Glorious military history....well, about until 400AD
Can wear sunglasses inside
Political stability
Flexible working hours
Live near the Pope
Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH

Glorious history of killing South American tribes
The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyreness
You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
Honesty
Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
You get to eat bulls' testicles
Gibraltar
Supported Argentina in Falklands War

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN.

10.In-built sense of pacifism

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN

Chicken Madras
Lamb Passada
Onion Baji
Bombay Potato
Chicken Tikka Masala
Rojan Josh
Popadoms
Chicken Dopiaza
Meat Boona
Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH

You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH

Guinness
18 children because you can't use contraceptives
You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
Pubs never close
Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to pursuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
No one can ever remember the night before
Kill people that you don't agree with
Stew
More Guinness
Eating stew and drinking Guinness in and Irish pub at 3:00 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN

You can have a woman president without electing her.
You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
You can call Budweiser beer.
You can be a crook and still be president.
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
If you can breathe you can get a gun.
You get to be really obese.
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
....When you're not.
....at all.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN

Know your great-grandfather was a murdering bastard that no civilised nation on earth wanted.
Fosters lager.
Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
Annihilate England everytime you play them a cricket.
Tact and sensitivity.
Bondi Beach.
Other beaches.
Liberated attitude toward homosexuals.
Drinking cold lager on the beach.
Having a bit of a swim and the drink some cold lager on the beach.

AND SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST

TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN

Beats being American
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn their capital to the ground.
You can play hockey 12 months a year.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn their capital to the ground.
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?.
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity will rise.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn their capital to the ground.
Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn their capital to the ground -- and as a bonus have the Yanks write a song about it and call it their national anthem.

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